Tuesday, August 6, 2013

Sex Scene Faux Pas

*WARNING* This is going to be ranty.

When learning to write romance novels some of us study how-to books. You know? How to write deep point of view, how to plot a story, and how to develop believable characters. How to... do basically whatever.

While there ARE books on how to write sex scenes... I think some of you published authors need to go to your local library and check one out.

Yeah this is where the ranty part comes in...

Lately I have read some real lousy sex scenes. As an erotic writer, whether it is gay or straight, I am even MORE picky. One of my pet peeves is what I call the "And afterward..." that old way of closing the bedroom door and not letting the reader in. I recently read a book like that which was labeled Heat Level THREE.....um no, it was barely a 2.

But that's not what I wanna talk about today.

I really want to complain about two big pet peeves of mine:

1) The warm damp towel 
2) Tying off a rubber 

I just read BOTH of these terrible faux pas in TWO different books, both new releases. I couldn't believe people were still doing this!!

Umm, are there people out there who ACTUALLY keep warm damp towels by their bed and I just am out of the loop? 

I've worked in a beauty salon and various spas for almost twenty years, and we have towel steamers. Last I checked, normal people don't have those in their bedroom.

Dear Author, Wake up and smell the laundry! 

You're supposed to be a writer, for crissake, be creative! Wipe that cum up with the sheets. Write a funny scene where they clean up together. Better yet, make somebody eat that load. Hell, you can just pretend the cum magically disappears. I don't really care.

JUST NO MORE WARM F***ING TOWELS!!!!

Now, tying off a rubber???

Really? (insert heavy sarcasm)

Fucking really? (insert even more sarcasm)

Has anyone ever done this? Cuz, I wanna know WHY?

I mean talk about going from one extreme to another. One writer is so worried about cummy messes that their characters have a towel steamer under the bed, and the other is so worried about a little spooge getting on their garbage can lining so they make the guy tie his used condom off with a knot.
 
Now think about the logistics of this act. You just had sex. Amazing mind-blowing exaggerated-romance novel sex, at that. The guy slides off the condom, making sure to keep all that baby batter in the little reservoir... and then he wraps it around his finger and ties it off in a tidy knot like its a damn balloon or something.

Why in the name of hell would he do this?

What is the point?

Throw that shit in the trash! 


Is a guy really going to tie off a USED rubber and get lube and cum, and pussy or ass juice all over his hands? Those things are slimy when you're done with them....and if they aren't? Well, you doin' sumthin' WRONG, my friend! LOL 

Just the logistics of someone sitting there and tying off a used-up rubber boggles the mind.


It's dumb. 

Like really, really dumb. 

It makes me wonder if the author has a) ever used a condom or 
b)has even had sex.

So for the love of fuck, can all authors out there STOP TYING OFF RUBBERS!!!

Whew! *wipes brow* I feel LOADS better now.

Tee hee... see what I did there? Yeah, that was punny. :)

3 comments:

  1. LOL - tell us how you really feel, Deanna.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Funny and oh so true!! LOL You tell 'em, Deanna.

    ReplyDelete