GOLEMS AND PIXIES
Ichabod: Today we have with us Micah Slate, whose story is being featured in a book entitled Fae Eye for the Golem Guy, which was released on the first of August. Micah claims to be an animated golem, living in sin with a princess of the Fae. Now, why don’t you tell us a bit about yourself before we get into these fanciful details?
Micah: As you’ve said, I am a golem. I was crafted from marble by Leonardo da Vinci, set to guard the artwork in his studio. When he passed on, I found work where I could, but I’m bound by the Words that animate me to protect art. I’ve found my most gainful and satisfying employment as chief of security at an art museum.
Ichabod: Oh! You protect art! Now that seems like a logical, mentally sound profession. So explain to me this golem business. You seem to be a living breathing person, what makes you think you used to be a statue?
X: C’mon, stone man. You’re too stiff. Not that that’s a bad thing, in my book, but you need to loosen up a little. Tell the man what he needs to know.
Ichabod: Excuse me, who is this tattooed mannikin?
X: The X that marks the spot. You can call me Xavier if you need to. I’m Micah’s fairy godfather. I mean, I’m a pixie, but the fairies have had such a monopoly on it that the name sticks.
Ichabod: (((laugh))) You are a pixie? Now, I have heard everything. And where do you fit into this fantasy?
X: My doll Ricardo and I made sure stone-killer and his lady love the Philly-chick hooked up.
Ichabod: Your doll Ricardo? You aren’t actually admitting that you and…
X:Ricky and I got it goin on, Icky. I know you ain’t got a problem with that.
Ichabod: (((bluster))) Well! I have no idea what you are talking about.
X: (((laugh hysterically))) Oh, I got you. You in Narnia, so keep the back room in the tavern on the down low.
X: So far in the closet you’re having tea with Mr. Tumnus. Now I know you gonna want the 4-1-1 on Micah’s lady. Her name’s Ophilia, and her deal is she’s daughter of The Morrigan, queen of the Unseelie Sidhe, and she’s got some wicked bad mojo of her own that she’s on the run from.
Ichabod: Philly-chick? Mojo? Is that pixie talk for something?
X: (((to Micah))) He trifling with me? Or just breathing dust?
MS: Actually, it sounds like he’s from the eighteenth century.
Ichabod: Actually, yes. Now tell me about how this ….what did you call her? a Philly-chick? How is this woman important to your story?
X: Stone-killer here helps keep her grounded, ‘cause he’s got the stoic goin’ on. Now, what she does for him, I’m sure you can guess, but in case you’re as much a stiff as you look, it’s the same what Ricky does for me.
Ichabod: (((utterly speechless)))
X: Yo, Icky, you still there?
Ichabod: Let’s get back on topic, if you don’t mind.
Micah: IF I could be permitted to answer my own interview questions.
X: What? Oh, sure, S.K.
Micah: Thank you. When any of the Art under my protection is threatened, the Words in my head give me a feeling for direction and distance, as well as compelling me to act. In addition, the Words provide me with strength, stamina and speed beyond what I normally have. As my form is that of an athletic man, but I am made of marble, I am normally quite strong.
Ichabod: You hear voices in your head? Interesting…
X: And again you put ‘em to sleep, Stone-Man. Let me lay it out for you. What Micah too humble to say is that when the Words be on him, he’s major bad news to the book burners and canvas slashers. I seen him cut down a full grown Ogre in under three seconds. Broke its wrist with brute powah, gut him like a fish with that big blade he keeps in the basement, then move on before it knew it was dead.
Ichabod: The only thing I understood in that entire statement was that you saw Micah gut an Ogre. Is that correct?
X: True dat! Course, that nothin’ compared to what he do when Philly-chick’s mojo work on him. Leo be the premier anatomist of his day, unlike Ken our friend Stone Killah anatomically correct an’ all, an’ the Words even make him look all soft and squishy like you or me. Not that the important bits be soft or squishy when Philly chick around, y’know what I’m sayin’?
Ichabod: You truly have absolutely no decorum, do you?
X: You whiling, dawg. Chill.
Ichabod: (((scowling at X))) So, in review Micah, you claim to be a living, breathing statue made by DaVinci that protects art because the voices in your head tell you to? And your beau is one of the Unseelie Sidhe?
Micah: That is about the size of it, yes.
Ichabod: Do you have proof that any of this is true? Any other people that might vouch for your sanity?
Micah: I could, if you like, lift something, or perhaps let you shoot me.
Ichabod: That’s preposterous! I will not go to prison for shooting you so you can perpetuate this insane delusion that you are made of marble!
Micah: Well, I wasn’t really asking you to because I’d rather not be shot today. While I am not harmed by things that would harm a mortal, I feel them. I actually feel more than a mortal would, since mortals are easier to knock unconscious. As well, my strength is not so much that it is immediately obvious that it is supernatural, unless Art is threatened.
Ichabod: (((snort))) Naturally. Your super strength can only surface when art is being threatened. And since there is no art around here you have no real way to prove your story. So I suppose I should just take you at your word?
Micah: I’m not in the habit of lying, but I suppose I can see your point. As for others to vouch for me, Xavier and his life partner Ricardo would, as would Ophilia, although you’ve obviously doubts about her sanity. You could ask Ms. Teresa Gelt. I believe she is currently a guest of the state of Pennsylvania, although I’m uncertain in which correctional institute they’ve housed her. She shot me at point blank range with a scattergun. That did knock me unconscious for a minute or so. Long enough for Ophilia to deal with her.
Ichabod: How convenient. But I probably won’t be paying a visit to Miss Gelt any time soon. Though she is the only one that knows she is human. I must admit, you have woven a very intricate delusion for yourselves. It probably makes for interesting fiction reading. As I said earlier, your complete fantasy has been penned recently in a novel. Can you tell me about the snake oil salesman passing off your book as fact?
Micah: Robert is a renaissance man. He’s worked professionally as a carpenter, stock boy, medical technician, computer technician, roofer, tutor, janitor, and now as a science teacher. He is a storyteller, his medium is words rather than song or paint or clay.
X: Ain’t you glad I’m here, Icky? Bobby be a mad scientist, and he have two crazy chicks all up in his cranium. Aggie and Penny put the stories in the melon, then poke him with sticks until they come out all fermented and alcoholic. They put the Fae Eye in there, they put the Road Mage in there, they put the tale of Capricious Jones in there. There sequels comin’ out to all those, too. There even a whole list of what they put in there, ‘cause Bobby-boy be meticulous with his recordkeeping. You find that on his site, just make with the click on ‘Stories’.
Ichabod: He is being poked with sticks? How awful!
X: Awful? Not what I heard about you, Icky. You know you love you some poking.
Ichabod: (((ignoring X))) Is there a way I can contact Mr. Roman? The poor chap sounds as if he is being tormented by these insane characters.
Micah: Of course. His website is located at www.robertcroman.com, and all of the other methods of contacting him are there as well. His email is firstname.lastname@example.org, and I’m told he loves feedback on his work, whether it is a compliment or a critique. He has a page on Facebook called Bob’s Books, where he announces news items.
X: Yeah, all that true, ‘specially the bit about feedback. You triflin’ with him, he use it to get better. You all up tryin’ to get with him for his sweet words, his head get so big it fill the room.
Ichabod: Well, we wouldn’t want that! Now, I believe I would like to read this convoluted story you have told me. Where can I find a copy of this book, Fae Eye for the Golem Guy?
Micah: I’ll handle this, X. Robert’s books are available from Decadent Publishing. The story of how I wooed and won my lovely Ophilia is, specifically, here.
Ichabod: I would like to thank both of my guests today. They were far less confrontational than my last guest. Don’t get me started on vampire succubae. (((shudder))) But it seems that I am still a far way from convincing people that there are no such things as supernatural beings. Even if that tiny man appeared less than human. A bit creepy actually.
But to be perfectly honest, this delusion that super powers and pixies do exist seems to be running rampant this Halloween season and it gives me an idea. There could be a lot of money made off of people that believe in supernatural phenomenon. I just need to figure out how to do it. Perhaps I should ask Brom Bones. He always has clever ideas---
What am I saying! I would never give that arrogant man the satisfaction! I think I am starting to believe associating with all these insane creatures is making me barmy!